Let's Talk About Boobs

This was written when I came to a full acceptance of my decision to “go flat”. I wanted to come out with all my thoughts before the questions came up. I wanted to control the dialogue. When you have a chronic health issue and/or are facing your own mortality, there isn’t a lot you get to control. I took the horns where I could.

Welcome to my brain on the evening of September 12, 2022–just 3 days before my bilateral mastectomy. I didn’t know that in just a few short days 6 lymph nodes would be removed, making rebounding way more difficult. I also didn’t know that I would be defined as “Cancer Free”!!

"September 12, 2022

Today I am 46 days post-chemo! And today I ran a 5K! It was amazing to be able to do that! So many more runs in my future! I cannot wait!

We are ready for the next steps in my journey. It has taken me a while, but I am now prepared to talk about it. Surgery is up next and is scheduled for Thursday, September 15th--THIS Thursday. I have only had minor surgeries (tonsils, tubes in my ear, etc). This surgery is a pretty big mind twist. And I am about to get very vulnerable here. But, someone's gotta talk about this.

Our culture has a weird relationship with breasts. We spend so much money at places like Victoria's Secret that completely sexualize breasts, yet, are offended by breastfeeding mothers. I never understood this. I find it incredibly telling about our society when I disclose I have breast cancer, and almost immediately people are concerned about the status of my breasts. It's very strange for me to tell someone about the scariest event I have ever faced in my life and they ask about my potential "free boob job". I am so tired of Dolly Parton jokes I could vomit.

This surgery and the decision to do or not do reconstruction is an extremely personal decision. We throw around the words "lumpectomy" and "mastectomy" so much they have lost their meaning. As it has been pointed out to me, this is absolutely an amputation. And it is. But, our world isn't designed around boob-less women. Pause here.

I remember in 6th grade a group of girls would straight up call me names because of my boob size. I was 12. TWELVE. It was horrible and caused a spiral of body shaming issues I had for years. If our society was different, where we didn't set up women to be valued based on their appearance, those girls probably wouldn't have done that. I often wonder what was going on in their own minds about their own body. So, we female-identifying humans, We learn at a very young age how important it is to have boobs. Boobs attract males. And what are we without males (enter eye roll here)? Our conditioning is such that the way we look makes or breaks our social circle, and how we are valued at school or our job. I have probably 100 personal stories. Keep in mind, that I do hair for a living, therefore, I have thousands of other people's stories, all based on this premise.

So, when I was faced with the choice of reconstruction, absolutely I considered it. But, being the information junkie I am, I had to obtain ALLLLLL the information. The medical team provided me with a novel of the risks. Also, I think it was pretty telling that my plastic surgeon said it wasn't a surgery she would do for herself. I read everything. Twice. Then I returned back to her office to ask more questions and to learn more about the plan for me if I were to move forward with it. For various reasons I don't need to get into, This was not a surgery for me. I knew that the moment I left the office and I was choking back tears.

I decided I needed to look into the other choice. And I dove in deep, and I resonated deeply with this. Though, I am fighting against deeply embedded conditioning. Now, I identify as an intersectional feminist. But, I am an intersectional feminist with deep roots in an upbringing in the patriarchy. I feel very strange admitting I still wasn't sure how to move forward.

-Enter Dave-

Dave has a reputation for being extremely logical and realistic. I knew when I was ready to make my decision he was going to make me think the way I should about the best way. He asked me lots of questions to help me discover what I already knew. A major shift was when he reminded me this whole journey, with or without reconstruction, is going to leave me in a mental state that is fear-stricken and full of anxiety. Further, he asked, with all these additional risks with reconstruction, can I mentally deal with that? The answer was an absolute no. No. I called both surgeons the next day and told them my decision.

Though I feel very confident about this decision, it is still a very sensitive topic. I think about the clothes I love may now look weird. I think about how freaking hard it is to find a swimsuit now as a tall woman who has a runner's butt, and now it's gonna be super hard. Then, I think about all those people who are obsessed to know what's in my shirt and what will be in my shirt. All those people that are going to be glancing down to see what they can learn. Y'all, I can tell ya right now, there are no boobs there. There won't be boobs there.

I completely understand and support women who go the reconstruction route. It just isn't for me. It's extremely personal. I realize no one talks about all this. We should. ONE in EIGHT women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. That's a lot of breasts. But, ya know what's more important, the person with them. That should be the first concern and screw the beauty standards. The whole "Save the Tah Tahs" mindset is so ridiculous. Save the person.

Yes, this got a bit ranty. But, all this has been hanging over my head for months. And I just want to talk about it openly in hopes it can begin conversations and maybe even some empathy. We all know our world DESPERATELY needs that.

The surgery is set for Thursday. And to say I am nervous is an understatement. It is an outpatient surgery, so I should be home that afternoon, which is great! Send me the good stuff!!! You've all been so amazing for that!

Cheers to aborting the boob fetus!"