Dear Cancer,

You're an absolute piece of shit!

No one should have to face their child to tell them they may die, or they will die. I thought you were going to kill me. Just murder me. In front of my family, just like I have seen you do time and time again.

You shone a light on the wedges in relationships I didn't know were there. You made me question every person in my life, my values, my work, my time, and absolutely everything that made me who I am. Worse, you created a distrust of my body. A distrust I am still grappling with every day with a deep desire to heal.

I had to look at my favorite person in the eye, hold as steady as I could, and tell her I had a beast inside my own body and it was trying to kill me. I couldn't promise her I would be able to escape this attack. I couldn't put a band-aid on it and heal. I couldn't create our nightmare spray, like we did when she was tiny, add glitter and magic words to keep this particular monster away.

Cancer, you fucking suck!

You placed yourself directly inside a place that is so complex. A place a society sexualizes, a place that is assaulted, judged, and ridiculed. A place I stored and fed my baby's every meal. Complex emotions would bubble up as I exposed myself in random machines and dressed in ugly hospital gowns that dehumanize and belittle. Multiple sets of hands touching my breasts left me feeling incredibly vulnerable as I slowly was made into a science experiment that I begrudgingly agreed to take part in in hopes to watch my daughter grow up.

Cancer, you're a heartless bastard!

I was not only scared for myself, but you made me so scary to others. Many people drew lines in the sand with what they could take witness to. They made themselves scarce. Yes, I know, the relationships weren't probably strong enough--but they were fine without you making things more complex. I didn't know I would have to draw my own lines, too.

You threw me inside a deep pit, weaponless, with no way to escape, but to crawl and climb out. My friends and family were at the top, cheering me up, but no arm could reach to pull me up. I had to crawl with blood, sweat, and tears caking my body. And as I worked, you forced me to see and do things I never wanted and evaluate everything.

Cancer, you're a prick!

I hate you! You set your aim on so many I love and cherish, and you even took some from my life. I wanted more time with them, and they deserved more time with their people, too. I won't ever understand your methodology. What's your next move? No one wants to fight you. Just stop! I don't want to wonder anymore if my cells are going to stay strong enough to fight you. I want to sleep. I want to move freely.

Cancer, you corrupt pisshead!

I am tired of you creating so many limits and disconnecting my mind from my body.

I am left standing here in a world that makes no sense anymore. For you heightened my awareness to such a place I can no longer accept the mediocre or the mundane. I seek only joy--yet, live in a world of mundane tasks.

You shit on the last of my small inkling of focus, and now I am really mixed up and overwhelmed. I am here, battered and bruised trying to stand up out of the pit you threw me in.

Cancer, you know I destroyed you, right? Then, why do you linger over me creating fear? Please, take your remains and seriously, fuck all the way off. I am done with you!

Love,

This Cunt.