Beyond the Self-Sacrifice of a great Motherhood

My mom was a great human. My mom was a great mother to me.

She always made sure we had lunch money. She ensured we were bathed, our teeth were brushed, and we were in bed at a decent hour. But, none of this is what made her a great mom.

My mom made sure we had the shoes we needed for whatever sport we were getting into at the time. But, that isn’t what made her a great mom.

My mom worked long and hard days on her feet, came home, fed us, washed our clothes, and cleaned the kitchen. But, that isn’t at all what made her a great mom.

My mom stayed up with me when I was too scared to sleep or when I had a nightmare. When we were older, she stayed up to soothe our broken hearts after a horrible breakup.  But, this isn’t what made her a great mom.

My mom was a great mom for the same reason she was a great person, and it had nothing to do with her self-sacrifice. My mom had a powerful gift to allow everyone she came in contact with to feel seen, heard, validated, and important. She loved her family, her people, her children, her clients, and especially her grandchildren so much it almost broke her heart. She took pride in her people and she loved the community around her. In turn, we all loved her.

My mom served as a buffer for so many. The world can feel so cold and hard, but when you were in her presence, she made you feel cared for and seen. I saw this from a very young age in her little salon where she would have 3 or 4 women with rollers in their hair, while she was working on one of them. There was so much laughter in the air. She was somehow able to prioritize each one of them all at the same time. Due to the investment she made into their life, those women showed me tenderness and care within my childhood. My mom was at the root of me finding community with other women–and if you identify as a woman, the depth of friendship is unspeakable. It is everything. My mom cultivated that for me, she modeled that for me. And when she stepped away from the chair as she settled into retirement, it was so hard for her. Not because of the work, it was because of the relationships she built there.

My mom was playful when given the time and space to be. This is a quality I have that I am proud to inhabit. She allowed us to all feel safe enough to play. People need joy. She gave us love and joy in unlimited amounts. The day I turned 17, my mom purchased the supplies for a Barbie party. It was just me, her, and one of my brothers. We placed several Barbie party hats all over her head–even one was secured under her nose. I don’t remember the details of our little make-shift party, but I do remember laughing until our faces hurt. And I won’t forget the big belly laughs. I remember the joy I felt.

In my early parenthood, I called her for everything regarding my daughter, whom I love with the same passion she loved each of her children. I called her almost every day until I felt confident in my own path as a parent, but still checked in often as a way to obtain the encouragement I needed to continue forward. Parenting is hard and I felt safe telling her my fears. My mom’s love will not end, even now. It is endless. And the love she gave her children is passed to our own children. I am happy to carry out to my community the love and joy she passed on to others. We can learn so much from my mom. She often thought of others with such deep empathy, always thinking about what others needed. She was never a black-and-white thinker. She thought of others’ pain with compassion and offered love in conjunction with hopes to help that person.

I saw her love people and offer love to people when I was young, which was confusing at times because, in my young eyes, some of those people seemed like a bully or scary. In her heart, they were the ones needing the most love. I have learned as I aged, that she was right. I am happy to admit I practice this now, too. I remember her always saying “I feel so bad for them” when I was telling her about mean things people did at school. Her response would frustrate me so much, but now I understand she was feeling the pain they were hiding. Even from a distance, she felt empathy through those stories. 

There was a young woman whom I was upset with because she hurt someone I love, and I stood and witnessed my mom walk up to her and embrace her. The young woman began to cry at the kindness my mom bestowed upon her. When I asked my mom why she did that, she explained this particular young woman needed the love more than she needed a scolding. My mom was right. That young woman desperately needed to be shown compassion. That moment impacted me moving forward to see the needs of others a little more fully.

My mom wanted people to be happy. She wanted them to feel love. And she wanted people to listen to Elvis. She wanted them to enjoy the holidays with their loved ones. And she just wanted people to be happy and at peace.

She loved her brothers so dearly, and could she bring out the fun with them! I loved watching her with them, especially at weddings because they would dance and laugh. I can think back on all of that growing up, and still smile, even though, half the time, I didn’t know what they were doing or talking about. I just felt the joy in the air and it was so fun to watch them act so silly together.

I will spend my life with her influence and her guidance on how to love. I will take faith in her purpose in life was seen, heard, validated, and important to the lives she impacted, including mine. I am a believer that the energy of someone never goes away, and I know my mom’s energy will stick with so many for an infinite amount of time.